I often tell my clients’ parents that parenting is the hardest job that they will ever do. But it is also likely the most important job that they will ever do. And you guessed it, the responsibility of the parent-child relationship lies with the parent. This relationship, of course, will be influenced by the child’s age and will evolve as the child grows up. What it looks like when your child is 7 is going to look different than when they are 37, but children of all ages need their parents.
These relationships are important for several reasons:
- Did you know that babies’ brains develop in the context of relationships? Tiny babies depend on their parents for their very existence, needing their parents to meet their every need. If they cry and their parent feeds them, then their brain begins to make tiny connections that help them develop in healthy ways. There is a lot of information available about infant brain development and relationships, and if you are interested in learning more about this, please visit here.
- When the relationship between a child and his/her parent is healthy, the child feels safe and supported, which leads to emotional security. When children feel emotionally secure, they are more likely to feel confident, resilient, and face challenges with a sense of safety and support.
- The parent child relationship often is the foundation in which a child models other relationships after. It teaches the child how to trust, communicate, and form connections.
- When parents provide love, validation, and support, children develop a strong sense of self-worth. Positive parent-child interactions can help children believe in their abilities and feel more confident in their actions, which influences their success and happiness as they grow.
Here are a few ways to strengthen your connection to your child and ensure a healthy relationship:
- Presence: Your children need you. They need your physical presence, and they need your emotional presence. I know it isn’t realistic to think that you are going to be able to show up for every class party, every game, and every event, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t show up when it’s important. Children also need individual attention. Each child will want to spend time with you in a different way and it’s ok to say to your child “I would love to spend some quality time with you. What would you like to do?” This doesn’t have to involve money, just the currency of your time.
- Love languages: This it the idea that we all experience love in 5 different ways: Quality time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts, Words of Affirmation. Your child likely has a primary love language. Click here to learn more about this.
- Consistent expectations and consistent, age-appropriate discipline: Children need structure and routines and they need to know what to expect from you. It is important to establish consistent expectations and consequences and to consistently enforce those. For children who are visual, it could be helpful to have basic family rules and values posted in your house.
- Listen: Have you heard that saying that we have 2 ears and 1 mouth because we need to listen twice as much as we talk? This is so true with our children. They want to be heard and they want to be validated. You may not agree with them, but it is important to listen to understand, not necessarily to respond.
- Understand and adapt to each developmental stage: What your child needs from you at 7 months is quite different than what they need from you at 17. It is important to be in touch with your child’s development stage and ensure that you are providing the attention, support, and connection that they need at each stage.
- Foster independence: We want to spend time with our children, but we also don’t want to make them completely dependent on us. Our relationship with them should be the launching pad to adulthood. We don’t need to fix everything for them, but we do need to be available to guide them through these decisions. Consider asking simple questions like “How do you think you could solve this” instead of telling them what you think they should do.
And as your children grow and develop, their needs change but they still need their parents. They need your presence; they need your support; they need you!