Do you hear your child saying:
- I have to make an A.
- This is ruined.
- I can’t do anything right.
- I shouldn’t make these mistakes.
These statements may be a sign of perfectionistic tendencies. Other signs may also include:
- Unrealistic or very high standards that are not flexible
- Feeling anxious over any mistake
- Spending excessive amounts of time on tasks
- Avoiding new activities because of fear of failure
- Negative self-talk (I am so stupid. I am not good enough.)
- Seeking constant reassurance
- Constant worry about performance
Over time, perfectionism can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, procrastination, and burnout. Here are 5 ways to help your child challenge perfectionism:
Manage your expectations: It’s important to ensure that you are not expecting your child to be perfect. Overly critical and overly demanding parenting styles have been linked to perfectionism. Ask yourself what you say when your child makes a B or lower on an assignment, forgets to do homework or a task, spills something accidentally, or breaks something accidentally. Responding with empathy and coaching will help your child learn and grow in the long run and not form unrealistic expectations about themselves.
Allow them to make mistakes: Mistakes are normal! Children need to know that they are ok to make because it’s how we all learn and grow. Try to make statements that foster learning and growth (not punishment): What did you learn? What would you do differently next time?
Praise effort, not results: If we just praise the outcomes, children may begin to focus solely on the results and give them the message that their value is in these results. Instead of saying “Good job making an the A on your test,” a more effort focused praise might be: “I noticed that you studied really hard for your test and did what your teacher asked you to do.”
Help them identify their thoughts: Our thoughts are powerful (refer to this blog post to read more about this). Help your child identify and reframe the unrealistic or unhelpful expectations that they have placed on themselves.
You may noticed these thoughts:
- I have to do everything right.
- Everyone else is better than me.
- If I fail, people will be so disappointed with me.
These thoughts are more helpful and rational:
- I tried my best.
- I don’t have to be perfect.
- Everyone makes mistakes.
- My grades don’t define me.
Model and encourage self-compassion: You are one of the most important role models for your children. They are constantly watching and absorbing how you speak to yourself. In moments that you make a mistake (especially if it is in front of them), be sure to verbalize self-compassion: This didn’t go as planned but now I know what to do next time.
Overcoming perfectionism doesn’t mean lowering standards or giving up on goals. It means helping children recognize that their worth is not dependent on flawless performance. If you feel like your child or teen is struggling with perfectionism and would like to work together to help them, please click here to complete the new client form.