We all want our children to feel confident, for them to see the good that we see, and for them to be comfortable in their own skin. Self-esteem develops over time through experiences, relationships, and the messages received from others.
For some children and teens, building self-esteem can be challenging. Struggles with school, social pressures, anxiety, perfectionism, family changes, or feeling different can have a negative impact on how they view themselves.
But there is good news! Parents play a powerful role in helping children develop a healthy sense of self-worth.
What is Self Esteem?
Self-esteem is how we think and feel about ourselves. A child with healthy self-esteem understands that they are worthy of love and respect, even when they make mistakes, struggle, or experience disappointment. Healthy self-esteem does not mean believing you are the absolute best at everything. Instead, it means being able to think:
- “I can try even when something is difficult.”
- “Making a mistake doesn’t mean I’m a failure.”
- “My feelings matter.”
- “I have strengths, and I also have things I can work on.”
- “I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy.”
There are a few things that parents can do to help their children build healthy self-esteem:
1. Praise Effort, Not Just Achievement
Children naturally receive positive feedback for good grades, sports wins, artistic accomplishments, or other successes. While celebrating achievements is wonderful, focusing only on outcomes can unintentionally teach children that their worth depends on being successful.
Instead, notice the process. Consider saying:
- “I noticed how hard you worked on that.”
- “You kept trying even when it was frustrating.”
- “You found a different way to solve the problem.”
This helps children develop a growth mindset and recognize that persistence and effort are valuable.
2. Let Kids Make Age-Appropriate Choices
Confidence grows when children have opportunities to experience independence. Give your child choices when appropriate. Consider letting them choose what clothes to wear, which activity to try, how to organize their homework, or what responsibility they would like to take on at home.
Allowing children to make decisions also means allowing them to experience the occasional mistake. Rather than immediately stepping in, consider asking, “What do you think you should do?”
3. Avoid Comparisons
It can be tempting to compare siblings, classmates, or peers, especially when you’re trying to motivate your child. However, statements such as “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” can contribute to feelings of inadequacy. Instead, help your child compare themselves to their own previous efforts.
“Last month, speaking in front of the class made you really nervous. Look how much you’ve grown.”
The goal is to help children recognize their individual progress rather than measure themselves against someone else.
4. Teach That Mistakes Are Part of Learning
Children who are afraid of making mistakes may avoid challenges altogether. They may also become perfectionistic or extremely self-critical. When mistakes happen, try to respond with curiosity rather than criticism.
Ask:
- “What can we learn from this?”
- “What could you try differently next time?”
Parents can also model this attitude by acknowledging their own mistakes. Hearing an adult say, “I made a mistake, and I can learn from it,” teaches children that imperfection is a normal part of being human.
5. Listen Without Immediately Fixing
When your child is upset, your first instinct may be to solve the problem. Sometimes, children need connection before solutions. If your child says, “Nobody likes me,” resist the urge to immediately respond with, “Of course they do!”
Instead, try:
- “It sounds like you’re feeling really left out.”
- “Tell me what happened.”
Listening validates your child’s experience and creates space for them to understand and communicate their emotions.
6. Help Children Identify Their Strengths
Children often focus on the things they believe that they aren’t good at. Parents can help broaden that perspective. Focus on your child’s strengths (these aren’t just limited to academics or athletics). Your child might be:
- Creative
- Compassionate
- Curious
- Funny
- Persistent
- Responsible
- A good listener
- A thoughtful friend
- A problem-solver
- Willing to stand up for others
Help your child recognize qualities that make them uniquely themselves.
7. Give Unconditional Love and Acceptance
Perhaps the most important message a child can receive is that they are loved for who they are, not because of what they accomplish.
Set boundaries. Hold children accountable. Have expectations. But make sure they also know that difficult behavior, poor grades, disappointing performances, or mistakes do not change their value as a person.
When Low Self-Esteem May Need Extra Support
Occasional self-doubt is a normal part of growing up. However, persistent negative self-talk or changes in behavior may signal that your child needs additional support.
Counseling may be needed if your child or teen regularly:
- Describes themselves as “stupid,” “ugly,” “bad,” or “a failure”
- Avoids activities because they are afraid of failing
- Becomes extremely upset by mistakes
- Constantly compares themselves to others
- Struggles with friendships or social situations
- Has significant perfectionism
- Withdraws from family or activities they once enjoyed
- Experiences ongoing sadness, worry, irritability, or frustration
- Seems increasingly hopeless or negative about themselves
Counseling can provide children and teens with a supportive, judgment-free environment to explore their emotions, identify strengths, develop coping skills, and build a healthier relationship with themselves. If your child or teen is struggling with self-esteem, anxiety, perfectionism, or negative self-talk and you would like to work together to help them, please click here to complete the new client form.